"Ashes" First Draft with Revision Plan:
Add
HOOK!
“Ashes” by Susan Beth Pfeffer
tells the story of Ashleigh, a high school student who, shuffled between
divorced parents, is about to meet her father for what she believes will be a
typical evening together. Instead, as this short story unfolds, Ashleigh’s
father asks her to borrow two hundred dollars for him from her mother who keeps
this money hidden in a (supposedly) secret location at her house.
Ashleigh (“Ashes”) is conflicted about taking the money for her father. He is secretive about why he needs it,
disclosing only that he owes money to some shady characters. Maybe change wording of last sentence? Still, he promises he will return the money and her
mother will never know. This interaction prompts Ashleigh to begin to view her
father differently than she ever has before. In this story the main character’s
feelings about her father change a lot. Make my claim stronger.
Maybe focus on celestial symbolism from story? Start new paragraph after claim
In the beginning of the story Ashleigh
describes how she feels excited to see her father on Tuesdays, the only day she
gets to see him. She spends most of her time with her strict mother, and when
she is with her father her life is more spontaneous and exciting. I need textual evidence here- maybe use the symbol of sun
representing her love for her father? Her
father is described in the story as a dreamer who, although might be
considered as lacking focus and irresponsible in some ways, ultimately has
a kind heart and believes that he can rest easily at night if he feels he
has helped at least one person that day. This is significant because these
are characteristics of her father that Ashleigh feels are admirable. In the
middle of the story Ashleigh and her father are eating dinner together at a
diner. This leads to turning point in the story when her father asks her
to take the money from her mother without her knowing about it. Ashleigh is
clearly uncomfortable about this and conflicted about what to do. She loves her
father but she doesn’t want to lie to her mother.
Add a paragraph here. Use
symbol of necklace made of stars to support the idea that Ashleigh’s father
does not always keep his promises, ie child support checks, late to pick her
up, etc.
As this story comes to a close
Ashleigh’s father is giving her a ride home after dinner. There is tension in
the car because Ashleigh feels uncomfortable with what her father is asking her
to do. She is beginning to question his integrity and character. Although her
father has been unreliable in the past, she has for the most part ignored those
traits because she loves him unconditionally. However, he has never before
asked her to lie to or steal from her mother, and this change is forcing her to
question his integrity. She is forced to decide for herself whether or not if
she will steal the money from her mother for him. Although we don't find out exactly what
Ashleigh decides to do about the money, one thing we know for sure is that this
experience has resulted in a change is how she views her father. I
need to elaborate on how this causes her to question her father’s integrity. I
also need to add evidence to the beginning of the paragraph- perhaps the symbol
of the cloud moving over the moon?
WRITE CONCLUSION! Restate claim, add personal connection
and why this matters to others.
**NEED MORE ELABORATION AND
CONNECTIONS TO CLAIM IN BODY PARAGRAPHS!
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